I didn’t really want to be in the alter-egos course, but I didn’t get my first choice that particular TIP (talent identification program) weekend at Duke. I can’t remember what else I chose, but it wasn’t that. The course was going to use superheros to explore alter-egos and I’ve just never been that into superheros.
I’ve been thinking about alter-egos lately though. Like how mine is about rip herself out of my chest. I’ve kept her so subdued over the recent years. I’ve barely let her speak at all.
The thing is, every time I’ve swallowed my rage, censored myself, and held by tongue, I’ve fed her.
And now, she’s full.
I don’t remember what I was to learn from the weekend course. I just liked being invited on such a gorgeous and prestigious campus, even when I didn’t get my course preference. I was exactly the kind of teenager who would ask her parents to fork out over $300 dollars for a weekend class at Duke, but would never dare ask for them to pay for her to get her hair and nails done for prom.
I think about that girl a lot. I wonder if the person I am now is actually her alter-ego and the original me is the one trying to get out.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
-The Smashing Pumpkins
I’ve spent a lot of my time as an adult polishing my presentation. Trying to walk all the lines. Be as respectable, as palatable, as likable as possible. Offend the least amount of people. Prove all my credentials for why I have the knowledge, experience, and right to speak on what I speak on, to stand where I stand. To be as clear and comprehensive as possible. And still, my words would be twisted and turned into something they weren’t. I got quiet. Reflecting on how to move forward.
And the past few years have shown me this: no one gives a flying fuck.
People who want to find fault with what I say will find it. People who want to engage in bad faith arguments will. People who are dead set on misunderstanding me will do so, no matter how crystal clear I say something. People who want to disrespect me will do so, regardless of how I conduct myself. We no longer respect what is respectable anyways.
So, fuck all that.
No one cares anymore. No one cares if we fly flags and wear hats and shirts with the word “fuck” on them. No one cares if people are sexually assaulted. No one cares if children are hungry. No one cares if you can’t pay for your insulin. No one cares if you’re racist or sexist or just an absolute asshole. No one cares if you’re a felon or if you’re a thief. No one cares if you commit fraud or admit you’re part of the KKK. It’s a goddamn wasteland of disintegrated integrity out here. Oh please, be offended I used that curse word. As if it’s worse. As if.
I can’t keep eating this rage. I can’t keep pushing it into my gut until it becomes sadness and hurt. And why should I? No one listens to nice people anymore. All those lines I walked, I should have crossed.
I just need a little more Sun-In to bring out my blonde and to lose a little weight and I can be hot and blonde and be an absolute heartless bitch and no one will care. If you look right, if you have the right power, no one fucking cares how horrible you act or what horrible things you say.
Unlike those superhero stories, plenty of people cheer for the villains in real life. They don’t even have to hide. It is in fact their selling point. No one wants a hero anymore.
Then a mighty roar rose from the crowd, and with one voice they shouted, “Kill him, and release Barabbas to us!”
Luke 23:18 NLT
