I’m feeling a little off this week, but I know I’m not the only one. It’s been a long 4 months and a lot of it has been spent waiting, spinning wheels, and holding breath. What’s next? What to do with the time I have now? What does all the information mean? Who can actually be trusted? How do I help make positive change?
And honestly, I just feel lonely in my thoughts sometimes. I feel like I’ve talked my mom’s ear off and a few of my friends ears too. And it’s not like they have much more clarity than I do. We’re all venting and wondering and holding our breath and spinning our wheels. We’re all on information overload. And sometimes, maybe, we’re walking on eggshells, unsure of the ground we’re treading.
In some moments, I see the opportunity before me and I’m buzzing with ideas and motivation to make the most out of what I have right now (like freedom with my time). And then before I can even manage to implement my great ideas, I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and ready to just numb out.
I’ve been through hard times before, but never quite so collectively. It’s nice to know you’re not alone but it’s also discouraging when it seems like everything everywhere is tumbling down while everyone yells at one another that it’s their fault and also that everything you believe is a lie.
I’m pretty empathetic and absorb a lot of the energy of those around me but with the internet, I have access to too many people sometimes – too much energy that I absorb and then can’t manage to clear from myself. I feel like the guy in the Green Mile who takes away the woman’s cancer and later has all the flies coming out of his mouth. I’m ready to release the flies. And I haven’t healed anyone – just absorbed too much negativity.
Also, as an introvert who does not live alone, this is basically a nightmare. I love my people so much better when I am not with them all the time. I get so tired of engaging and responding. I just need to exist and re-calibrate.
I mean I have so many good things going for me right now, all things considered, but sometimes I feel like a zombie. The brain fog was so bad the other day that I would immediately forget what work task I was doing as soon as I identified that I was going to do the task.
On those clear and motivated days, I have all the answers – routines, systems, plans, ideas all so brilliant and possible and then…BAM! I’m 2020’d again and feeling like a blob.
A lot has happened. 2 friends lost their dads. 1 friend got a hard diagnosis. A loved one was scammed out of a lot of money. Cancelled seasons and concerts and celebrations and plans. Anxiety and anger has increased. Disappointments. Tension. Disagreements. Insecurity. Fear.
There’s good stuff too of course. I’m in a grouchy blob mood, so I don’t want to talk about those things, but I guess I will: My garden has done pretty well, we’ve celebrated several birthdays and graduations, we went on a really nice camping trip, I got to go to socially distanced outdoor book club, I’ve talked to my friends and family much more, I re-organized my laundry room and it looks much better and is more functional, we got a new dishwasher, I’ve read several good books, my cousin opened a store, a new niece and nephew were born, I’ve actually started a skincare routine, and we’ve had some gorgeous sunsets.
I’m a grateful zombie blob with some good ideas that may or may not pan out right now.
How are you doing?
