I went to high school with my daughter tonight. She’s doing a particular program when she starts there next year and tonight was info/registration sessions. As they talked about classes and advanced course tracks I wished they were talking to me and not her. I’d like the chance to do it again.
Lots of people say they would hate to be in high school again, but I’m not one of those people. High school was easy. I never had friend drama, barely had boy drama, and making good grades was not a problem for me. Excelling was easy and comfortable. Even when I pushed myself -staying up late and covering my clock so I wouldn’t know how little sleep I got, it wasn’t hard. It was a challenge I enjoyed. I liked the push. But I mostly didn’t really have to push.
I miss understanding how to excel. It was clear in school – take these classes, make these grades, do these extracurriculars…
I miss knowing that I was doing well. I could see my grades, my GPA, my list of accomplishments and activities. I was always told how much potential I had. I held leadership positions. I was convinced this meant good things for my future.
And now…
I’d like to go back and just feel that way again. My strengths don’t seem as strong and not at all stronger than my weaknesses and my passion feels like a liability. The way my brain works doesn’t seem to work in this world and is no longer celebrated or rewarded in the systems I am part of.
I feel adrift, waiting to find my footing and my place and in the meantime I’m just making what I have work. But I ache thinking of the time when I had a clearer path. When at least I thought I knew where I was going and at least I had what I thought was proof that I was doing a good job at getting there.
And I know there are things I could have chosen differently. I could have chosen a different career path, I could have made different personal life choices. It’s all complicated and I’ve gone through it all so many times in my mind. Was it just one misstep or a few dozen? Or is that not it at all? Am I poised now upon some precipice of something great, of something worthy of what is within me? Something that I could only do after doing all that I have done, being where I have been?
I feel like saying that is saying that it is not enough to have what I have but that is not what I mean. What I mean is I ache with what is within me and it needs to go into something. It’s just that I know there is more to do with what I have. I just don’t know how to do it yet.
