I am barely making my self imposed deadline of a blog entry each month. It’s literally 11:13pm on the last day of April. I did not make up my March yoga or do a class this month so I owe myself 2 extra classes.
It is so hard to take care of myself as an adult responsible for the care of others. I was so good at it when I was only responsible for myself. It makes me sad, frustrated, depressed. I miss myself – but also the time I have with my kids under my wing matters so much to me. I hate the way I run out of reserves.
I am on track with the book thing though. That’s something.
I meant to really write each month, not slog something out a few minutes before the month ends, but this is me showing up for myself – at least a little.
I’m honestly pretty moody and tired and my neck and shoulders are tight and I just need to go to bed. Want to go to bed. Dreading the early wake up and work tomorrow. Boring story.
Thought of a piece tonight though during Natalie’s recital – about how much you sit when you have kids. Maybe flesh it out soon. Also saw a candid pic of myself today that made me want to rip myself out of my body. This body feels like a suit I’ve put on. It feels fake. It shows the metaphorical weight I carry, have been carrying. It’s manifested itself all over me. I see a stranger in that picture. It’s terrifying and heartbreaking and I just want to see myself again in those pictures one day. I miss her.
