I’m reading Breaking Free from Body Shame by Jess Connolly and it’s bringing a lot of thoughts and feelings to the surface so I’m sharing some of them here as I work through the book. I honestly wouldn’t have even picked up this book if it wasn’t that I’ve followed the author for a long time. I didn’t even realize what I have been carrying around in relation to this topic or how deep it actually goes.
From chapter one: “The way we view our bodies is not a shallow, surface issue for the immature or the vain….What’s more, the belief that body image is a shallow concern is a lie from the enemy that’s wildly effective at making women believe they can disconnect with their bodies to the point of engaging in starvation, harm, and abuse.”
I think about the ways I have disconnected from my body as a means of survival and advancement in social settings or relationships. To be able to endure. Ignore to endure. I never thought it was the healthiest thing (or even in alignment with my personal ethics) but I also never thought it was a spiritual thing. It’s just “the way it is” and I felt like there was more power to be gained in playing the game than in fighting it. And I can’t touch on that without acknowledging that I was physically able to play the game. I realized I was desirable enough to be a contender at an age far too tender to understand the weight of it or the consequences.
I have believed I need to devalue my body to make my way in the world without being obnoxious or needy. I have believed I shouldn’t insist others honor my body as it is because I believed it didn’t deserve it. I have let some outside measure determine my body’s worth to myself and others.
There’s no way for me to have this conversation with myself without acknowledging the role that toxic male culture (music, movies, magazines, etc) have played in my ideas about my body and it’s worth. Female dynamics play a role here too (that know I have played into), but I can’t deny that for me, it’s the male gaze, desire, and preferences that I have been most affected by and felt most shame about not living up to.
There is no way to unravel this without feeling some rage. And I think about how angry women aren’t seen as pleasing and shouldn’t I find a nice way to say it? And I think about the role the church has played in that mindset and how the church culture has kept us in chains keeping sin and shame the focus instead of helping us fight for freedom and has done it calling it protection and how many people and families have been hurt by that and what I know is this: there’s a lot of things I need to free myself from if I am going to be able to break free from body shame. This goes down to my core.
I can’t see this as just a culture issue because it is not. If body shame is a weed in the garden of my life choking out the freedom planted by The Divine, then the culture and church are twin trellises encouraging it to keep climbing until it takes over the entire thing. A person in chains is easy to subdue and control and I want out. I want the freedom the Creator planted to flourish in me and in those around me.
I love this from the book in chapter 2: “Mainstream Christianity tends to be terrified of freedom in our bodies in general.” Then a few pages later: “When did we stop believing grace compels us to change? When did we stop trusting the Holy Spirit to communicate appropriate boundaries through our freedom in Christ? Have we traded the message of freedom for even more bondage because we’re scared to let people navigate the complex waters of liberty in their own flesh?”
That passage is one I wish every church and Christian would dig into.
I’m angry but anger can be a change agent if you keep it moving and don’t just sit on it. I’m sad and lamenting my losses and my hurts and the hurts I have contributed to. I’m scared because I have spent a long time navigating the world disconnected from my body and there’s some damage I’m uncovering as I reconnect and it’s painful.
I don’t want to keep playing the game with culture or the church, twisting myself to be pleasing and palatable to everyone possible to gain a semblance of status or power. That power is weak anyways and tainted with all the harm that has to happen to get it. And that status is tied up in other people’s opinions, making it unstable and shifty. When I really think about how much of a role body shame plays in conversations and commentary made in all settings (family, social, church, professional, etc) it seems like a really big deal to decide to disengage from it. Countercultural in all respects.
I do believe that’s the freedom the Spirit calls us to. A freedom with no walls, no gatekeepers, no human limitations. Freedom from body shame feels like a small thing to make a big deal about only because we have disconnected from the spirituality of our bodies. They are the vessels made in the Creator’s image. They are the places the Spirit inhabits. What happens to our bodies and in our bodies matters. How we feel about our bodies matters. Our bodies are good and that goodness is defined by God, not by people. Believing that matters.
This book has poured some light into places I didn’t even know were so dark. It could be a a quick read, but I’ve found a lot of opportunities for reflection and slowing down to dig in as well.
